Funerals information from start to finish. The how to's, ideas, eco friendly alternatives and ceremonies for celebrating the end of your life's journey. Information for Pagan and pagan friendly people in Australia
Yesterday was an anniversary I have very mixed feelings about.
On one hand, I lost a very dear friend, suddenly and unexpectedly, at a young age of 36.
On the other hand, it was the beginning of a journey that has been very fulfilling and rewarding personally. A journey that I probably wouldn’t have dared to consider. A journey that is still only just beginning, it has a long way to go.
So I thought I would share some photos and memories of probably one of the most draining, humbling and rewarding weeks of my life.
This is Loren. Probably one of the cleverest, experienced and knowledgeable witches I ever known. She was also extremely human, with all the pitfalls that come along with it. She was a giving, loving, kind, understanding and loyal friend. And she passed into Spirit long before many of us were ready to let her go. But it was her time.
I remember very clearly the phone call that changed everything. For someone who considers herself very intuitive I didn’t see it coming. Well not consciously. The day before, I had experienced a very profound connection with Mother Nature and Spirit, I think maybe I needed that in order to get through the week that lay ahead.
I believe anyone who has been on the receiving end of unexpected bad news like this would understand the emotions that were occurring. Shock, disbelief, numbness, denial. The anger came later, and for different reasons. However in the midst of all those debilitating feelings, I had one clear thought.
‘I have to be the one to do her funeral’
It wasn’t about money, or glory. I looked back many times afterwards and I believe the driving reasoning behind my need to be the one who wrote and conducted her funeral was because it had to be right. Not some nameless person who never knew her vitality and humour. And there was no one else I could recommend to do it.
As it turned out, it was more than a funeral ceremony, it also included a memorial ritual for those of us who, like Loren, followed pagan paths.
Loren was the one, in the infant days of my becoming a celebrant, I would call just before I would go into a ceremony, and I would call her to talk about it one the way home. She said to me on several occasions ‘You should be doing funerals as well’. Having grown up around elderly care, cancer hospitals and death for most of my early life, it was not something I was even considering. Until right then, when I felt there was no other option.
So in the midst of the shock and grief, I set a purpose, which in all honesty, probably kept me going through the week.
Loren and I were both a part of 2 very different covens at the time. I knew she would want both groups to be a part of the day. Then there were the various friends who would want to come. Of utmost importance was the care of her Mum and Dad, Marg & Graham, and her Sister & brother in law. It was, and still is a major blessing in my life that those amazing and wonderful people allowed me to be a part of such a horrible time for them. They were so grateful to me, but I don’t think they understood that it was me who was just so honoured by their trust in me.
When I was young, my life revolved around care of the elderly. My mother was Director of Nursing at a fair few aged care facilities, so it was normal for me to be making beds, working in the kitchen or just doing crafts and activities before and after school. Because of this closeness with elderly people, death was never far away. I lost count of how many residents I became close to, only to find they passed away the next time I was in.
As I grew older, I was able to sense when someone was ready to cross over. So when it came time for them, it became important for me that I, or at least someone, was there so they felt safe as they left their physical shell. I still have that skill, and will often meditate whilst I sit next to an ill person and guide them on their way, which can be quite amusing in the ways they choose to leave this plane. My sister in law chose a shiny red convertible.
I take death as part of life; we can’t have one without the other. Death brings a pain and grief that endures. However, it’s because we have loved in the first place that we feel that pain. Not one of us goes through life unscathed, and that grief is what forms who we are. Happy times don’t create us, the sad times, and how we deal with them do.
I’m not particularly worried about how I die, or what happens to me after the event. Because I can’t control any of it. It’s going to happen, I just don’t know when or how – and I am ok with that.
Like most people, I fear the grief that loss brings. I don’t want to lose the people I love, any of them. Part of that is I don’t know how I will cope. No one really knows how they will deal with it, at the time of impact, or afterwards – and that’s scary. Everyone is different, no one knows how long it will last, or when it gets a little easier.
Unlike some, I am not scared of being alone. But being alone with grief? Yeah not crazy on that idea.
My feeling is that if we take responsibility for how our body is disposed of, the funeral arrangements and even our care prior to death, we remove that responsibility from the people who will be grieving for us.
These days, there are some who can’t deal with death and everything that comes with it. They will shout loudly, labelling people like me as ‘Morbid, obscene or obsessed.’ That’s ok, I will yell back just as loudly that I am ‘Prepared, Realistic and Honest’. Because where they want to avoid, I want to confront. Where they want to hide, I want to be out in the open, helping the people who need and want it.
To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way clean contrary to that common one; let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death… We do not know where death awaits us: so let us wait for it everywhere
I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn’t remember because the transitions from life to death and back are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
‘A Pagan is someone who practices a reconstruction, revival, or reinvention of the indigenous spiritual traditions alive in Europe prior to the arrival of Christianity.’
For ease and brevity, I am going to use a broad definition when I refer to pagan. There are too many different belief systems that fall under the umbrella term of pagan, so I am going to assume that in terms of funerals, many pagans would want an environmentally friendly and harmonious send off, leaving as small a footprint on Mother Earth as possible. Now strangely enough, this type of funeral can also appeal to many other people, who would not necessarily define themselves as pagan. New Age philosophy or just the average person may find comfort in our rituals and ceremonies. What I aim to do is show that paganism isn’t scary, or even really alternative. What we do comes from Love, especially when it comes to funerals. It does not dismiss any other form of belief that comes from love, so it should not cause conflict for mourners when they know that all Love comes from one source, it’s just our own lenses that change the picture we see with our hearts.
Three possible views of life and death within a pagan context, making it a little less scary and a bit more, well, realistic.
The Wheel/Circle of Life: Our existence is a constant pattern of cyclical change. From life to death and each moment of death is a moment of rebirth. We perceive beginnings and endings, but the flow of existence is never-ending.
The Wavicle (for you Physics buffs): Quantum physics shows that at the sub-atomic level there is no distinction between matter and energy. Both have the qualities of particles and waves, giving rise to the concept of the wavicle in the 1920’s. We are perpetual patterns of the energy of the cosmos. What we perceive to be the death of finite individuals is simply the unending movement of the universe.
The Ascent of Life: Life forms have different levels of consciousness, but all of them have the potential for evolution. Human beings can manifest this potential to a very high degree. We can become aware of dimensions that transcend our limited understanding of our bodies and minds, and enter into a different experience of life and death.
I began working as a celebrant in 2002, with my first Wiccaning (baby blessing), and I quickly moved on to weddings and handfastings as they are often referred to in modern Paganism. However it was my push into funerals that really sparked a passion in me.
Yes, I did say push. My first funeral in 2006 was for my beautiful friend who passed away suddenly. Like me, she was pagan, but when it came to approaching funeral directors to organise anything resembling a pagan ceremony, complete with the bells and smells (bells and incense) or ability to create a circular sacred space, the options were very limited.
We don’t have temples, or churches. Many of our rituals are held in parks, gardens, private residences or halls. Earth centred spirituality is a return to our roots, quite literally. We come from the elements, and it is back to the elements we go once our physical body has done its job.
What does a pagan funeral ceremony look like?
At the moment, a pagan funeral looks like most others. Many pagan funerals are run either devoid of spirituality or with bits and pieces popped in where appropriate. Fortunately Funeral Directors like Carly from Greenhaven Funerals ( http://www.greenhavenfunerals.com.au/ ) are open minded and willing to accommodate changes to traditional methods.
A pagan funeral may include a ceremony or ritual that follows the faith/tradition of the deceased. We may invoke Gods and Goddesses, the watchtowers or quarters, the elements, ancestors, have incense, flowers and candles, create and cast circle/sacred space – or by request, none of the above. It is and will probably remain as individual as each person, but there can be many similarities.
Most of the time, the deceased is the centre focus for grieving. Many Traditions believed that the otherworld was towards the west, so having the casket in the west would be ideal. However if a circle has been created, it is likely that the casket would be placed in the centre, so that it truly would be the focus.
Herbs, and flowers could be placed in and around the casket or coffin. With cremation, herbs and flowers would act as incense for smudging, or cleaning the human remains. It’s an act of purification that can still be practiced with herbs, resins, incense sticks or cones placed around not only the central focus, but the entire room.
Just like many altars, the mourning altar is usually very distinctive in its reflection of the life of the deceased. Statues of personal deity, candles, pictures of ancestors, favourite items, picture boards – it can all be used to create a tribute. It is only limited by imagination, and the result can be quite beautiful.
Candles often signify our wish for the spirit of the deceased to find its way safely to it’s destination. It’s like turning on the porch light so that they can see where they are going. In many cases we will have a main altar candle that will also serve as a memorial candle for the family each year on the anniversary, or whenever they feel the need to light it. I will often have loved ones light candles at the beginning of the ceremony, and at the end of it, they take their candle with them. Having something physical to take away with them, that represents the love they feel can help with the mourning.
It is common for a High Priest or Priestess to run rituals of particular Traditions. However there are also a number of highly experienced pagan celebrants who do this calling as well. I am an ordained minister of the Wiccan based tradition in the USA, however that is just part of me, and I don’t consider myself wiccan. I prefer to work with less restriction than aligning myself to one belief. Call me complex 🙂
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A brief Funeral Ceremony run through – a la Pagan
Create Sacred Space – this means that we want to keep negativity out, and make it a safe place where mourners can weep, wail, laugh and remember without fear. There are many ways to create sacred space, but the main reason is Love and Protection.
Call in Deity/Ancestors/Spirits/Elementals – Much the same as the Christian traditions call in God, we call in what our personal beliefs, or the beliefs of the deceased, represent as loving energies. The ancestors could be familial, or location based, or could be all of those who have gone before us in Tradition or spiritual practices.
Welcome and introduction.
Speakers for the eulogies. It may only be one or two people, or it could be an entire circle of people taking their turns to speak – if this is the case, brevity is essential.
Calling for blessings for the departed, as well as blessings for the loved ones and their community.
Prayers or Readings (examples):
(a)
Like the wind, soar free through the heavens. Like a flame, warm the hearts of those who think of you. Like water, let your spirit flow ever onward, Like the earth, be steadfast awaiting rebirth. As the wheel turns, may you find as much joy in your next life as you gave in this life”
author: Jenna Tigerheart
(b)
This Heritage
They are not dead, Who leave us this great heritage Of remembered joy. They still live in our hearts, In the happiness we knew, In the dreams we shared. They still breathe, In the lingering fragrance windblown From their favourite flowers. They still smile, In the moonlight’s silver And laugh in the sunlight’s sparkling gold. They still speak, In the echoes of words We’ve heard them say again and again. They still move, In the rhythm of waving grasses, In the dance of the tossing branches. They are not dead; Their memory is warm in our hearts, Comfort in our sorrow. They are not apart from us but a part of us. For love is eternal and those we love Shall be with us throughout all eternity.
(Author Unknown)
(c)
Do not weep for me (Adaptation)
I am the memory that dwells in the heart of those that knew me.
I am the shadow that dances on the edge of your vision.
I am the wild goose that flies south at Autumns call and I shall return at Summer rising.
I am the stag on the wild hills way.
I am just around the corner.
Therefore, the wise weep not. But rejoice at the transformation of my Being.
Do not weep for me for I have not gone.
I am the wind that shakes the mighty Oak.
I am the gentle rain that falls upon your face.
I am the spring flower that pushes through the dark earth.
I am the chuckling laughter of the mountain stream.
Do not weep for me for I have not gone.
(Author Unknown)
Quiet reflection Could be meditation, soft singing or chanting or dvd tributes.
Committal and conclusion
Feasting and community time
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Most of the time, people will move from the sacred space area to another location for feasting and sharing of memories, exactly the same as most other funerals. This is when the Priestess or celebrant will do the cleanup of the area, collection of rubbish and anything else required to look after the family.
Can anybody do a Pagan Funeral?
It’s not really a question of ‘can’, it’s more a ‘should’. Can any do a Buddhist ceremony? Can anyone do a Christian ceremony? Ask this of many people, especially those of Christian or catholic spirituality, and the answer will be a resounding ‘No’. I would no more stand up and do a Christian ceremony than I would a Catholic ceremony. Why? Because of respect. Pagan beliefs are our spirituality. We practice, think, and speak our beliefs every day. In exactly the same way as other people express their own views. If we know someone is speaking words they don’t believe in their heart, the audience can tell, and the words fall flat.
Just because someone reads a book, doesn’t mean that they understand how to or why to set up a sacred space. They can’t call the elements without knowing why you are calling them, who they are, what term is correct when addressing them or which traditions use elementals or watchtowers. It takes time, practice and a lot of experience to be able to learn about our spirituality, ‘Pagan-style’ has been a term I have seen used by people claiming to understand paganism, and yet they neither practice or respect us or our spirituality. It is simply a means of catching a niche market. Energetically, someone without understanding will not be able to give the proper service to a Pagan ceremony.
I don’t suggest that only a Priest or Celebrant run a funeral (or any other ritual). Usually there will be people in the know who can recommend well respected, experienced pagan people who can work with large crowds. They must be comfortable with taking a leadership role, holding space for those who are grieving, and flexible to change on a seconds notice.
People like myself; who were pagan first, became celebrants because we saw a need in the Australian Pagan Scene. Wonderful people like Cassandra Carter, Buddhi Eldridge and other dedicated people have been out there working hard to have handfastings and other pagan rites of passage available as a choice. What I am doing in promoting pagan funeral, and preparation for funerals, is simply an extension of their hard work. I know my limitations, and I know that saying words isn’t where the power lies, it’s in the belief of those words and what they mean. So when I have been asked to run a non pagan funeral, I stick to my ethics. Where there are words of Christianity, I will encourage people of that faith to say them, because that is where the power is. That is where the comfort will come from. I respect their beliefs, but also my own. And never once have I had a conflict in any ceremony I have performed. It’s not about the money, or about being well known. It’s about doing the best job I can for my clients, and for paganism in Australia.
You would think that simply typing the phrase ‘Natural Burial Cemeteries in Melbourne, Australia’ would lead to a fairly quick list of options in not only Victoria, but also Australia wouldn’t you?
Yeah, good on you! You are as naïve as I am.
So for anyone looking for a Cemetery or Memorial park that offers Natural Burial or Cremains Interment options, meaning the container or cremains are placed into the ground and a plaque/tree/bush is placed as a marker, I shall endeavour to provide such information here.
Please note, I may not have collected all names yet, but will add them to the list as I find them.
Natural Burial and Memorial Parks
Wirra Wonga, Enfield Park, South Australia
Lismore Memorial Park, New South Wales
Lilydale Memorial Park, Victoria
Kingston Cemetery, Tasmania
Fremantle Cemetery, Western Australia
Lake Macquarie Memorial Park, Ryhope, New South Wales
Sydney Natural Burial Park, Kemps Creek, New South Wales
Cambewarra Cemetery, Nowra, New South Wales
Lismore Memorial Gardens Bushland Cemetery, Goonellabah, New South Wales.
As a former florist, I am very attuned to flowers. I love having the garden full of fragrances and if I am do a ritual of any sort, I will usually have flowers somewhere, even as an offering.
I’ve heard many people criticising the use of flowers in funerals as ‘wasteful’ or ‘meaningless’. Meaningless? 5 minutes of research would show that flowers are meaningful in many languages, and indeed, they defy language barriers. People can relate to the meaning behind a flower, it’s colour, it’s fragrance – they will often inspire memories.
Wasteful? Yes they can be sometimes. Especially when you see piles of them piled up in a dumpster. So much can be recycled, even the tubes on the end of roses to prolong their lives can be refilled with water and used again. The foam bricks break down pretty quickly, and baskets, ribbons, boxes, in fact most of the materials used to make arrangements can be recycled in some way with a bit of forethought and care. Its a shame that the business of money often makes haste and wastefulness more important than recycliong. However, I digress from the real point of my post,
Not a lot of people like to keep dead flowers around the house after a funeral. Many of us who like to think of themselves as crafty probably have so many herbs, flowers and whatnots hanging around after ritual we don’t know quite where to start using them up.
In my wanderings around the net, I found (what I think is) a great idea. Using dried flowers or herbs from left over funeral flowers, create beads by mixing with translucent polymer clay. Beads can then be made into whatever form of memorial you like.
I supposed you could also mix in cremains if you really liked and would only need a small amount of organic matter in order to make the beads.
So next time you are faced with flowers but don’t know what to do with them, make some beads and get creative.
Funerals of the Pagan kind 