To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.”

Author: Michel de Montaigne

To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way clean contrary to that common one; let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death… We do not know where death awaits us: so let us wait for it everywhere

Author: Michel de Montaigne

 

I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn’t remember because the transitions from life to death and back are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it.

Author: W. H. Auden

 

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Author: W. H. Auden

Pagan Funerals – the Cycle of Life

What is a pagan?

‘A Pagan is someone who practices a reconstruction, revival, or reinvention of the indigenous spiritual traditions alive in Europe prior to the arrival of Christianity.’

From the Pagan Awareness Network http://www.paganawareness.net.au

 

 For ease and brevity, I am going to use a broad definition when I refer to pagan. There are too many different belief systems that fall under the umbrella term of pagan, so I am going to assume that in terms of funerals, many pagans would want an environmentally friendly and harmonious send off, leaving as small a footprint on Mother Earth as possible. Now strangely enough, this type of funeral can also appeal to many other people, who would not necessarily define themselves as pagan. New Age philosophy or just the average person may find comfort in our rituals and ceremonies. What I aim to do is show that paganism isn’t scary, or even really alternative. What we do comes from Love, especially when it comes to funerals. It does not dismiss any other form of belief that comes from love, so it should not cause conflict for mourners when they know that all Love comes from one source, it’s just our own lenses that change the picture we see with our hearts.

 

Three possible views of life and death within a pagan context, making it a little less scary and a bit more, well, realistic.

1. The Wheel/Circle of Life: Our existence is a constant pattern of cyclical change. From life to death and each moment of death is a moment of rebirth. We perceive beginnings and endings, but the flow of existence is never-ending.
2. The Wavicle (for you Physics buffs): Quantum physics shows that at the sub-atomic level there is no distinction between matter and energy. Both have the qualities of particles and waves, giving rise to the concept of the wavicle in the 1920’s. We are perpetual patterns of the energy of the cosmos. What we perceive to be the death of finite individuals is simply the unending movement of the universe.
3. The Ascent of Life: Life forms have different levels of consciousness, but all of them have the potential for evolution. Human beings can manifest this potential to a very high degree. We can become aware of dimensions that transcend our limited understanding of our bodies and minds, and enter into a different experience of life and death.

 

I began working as a celebrant in 2002, with my first Wiccaning (baby blessing), and I quickly moved on to weddings and handfastings as they are often referred to in modern Paganism. However it was my push into funerals that really sparked a passion in me.

Yes, I did say push. My first funeral in 2006 was for my beautiful friend who passed away suddenly. Like me, she was pagan, but when it came to approaching funeral directors to organise anything resembling a pagan ceremony, complete with the bells and smells (bells and incense) or ability to create a circular sacred space, the options were very limited.

We don’t have temples, or churches. Many of our rituals are held in parks, gardens, private residences or halls. Earth centred spirituality is a return to our roots, quite literally. We come from the elements, and it is back to the elements we go once our physical body has done its job.

 

What does a pagan funeral ceremony look like?

At the moment, a pagan funeral looks like most others. Many pagan funerals are run either devoid of spirituality or with bits and pieces popped in where appropriate. Fortunately Funeral Directors like Carly from Greenhaven Funerals ( http://www.greenhavenfunerals.com.au/ )  are open minded and willing to accommodate changes to traditional methods.

A pagan funeral may include a ceremony or ritual that follows the faith/tradition of the deceased. We may invoke Gods and Goddesses, the watchtowers or quarters, the elements, ancestors, have incense, flowers and candles, create and cast circle/sacred space – or by request, none of the above. It is and will probably remain as individual as each person, but there can be many similarities.

Most of the time, the deceased is the centre focus for grieving. Many Traditions believed that the otherworld was towards the west, so having the casket in the west would be ideal. However if a circle has been created, it is likely that the casket would be placed in the centre, so that it truly would be the focus.

Herbs, and flowers could be placed in and around the casket or coffin. With cremation, herbs and flowers would act as incense for smudging, or cleaning the human remains. It’s an act of purification that can still be practiced with herbs, resins, incense sticks or cones placed around not only the central focus, but the entire room.

Just like many altars, the mourning altar is usually very distinctive in its reflection of the life of the deceased. Statues of personal deity, candles, pictures of ancestors, favourite items, picture boards – it can all be used to create a tribute. It is only limited by imagination, and the result can be quite beautiful.

Candles often signify our wish for the spirit of the deceased to find its way safely to it’s destination. It’s like turning on the porch light so that they can see where they are going. In many cases we will have a main altar candle that will also serve as a memorial candle for the family each year on the anniversary, or whenever they feel the need to light it. I will often have loved ones light candles at the beginning of the ceremony, and at the end of it, they take their candle with them. Having something physical to take away with them, that represents the love they feel can help with the mourning.

It is common for a High Priest or Priestess to run rituals of particular Traditions. However there are also a number of highly experienced pagan celebrants who do this calling as well. I am an ordained minister of the Wiccan based tradition in the USA, however that is just part of me, and I don’t consider myself wiccan. I prefer to work with less restriction than aligning myself to one belief. Call me complex 🙂

*******************

A brief Funeral Ceremony run through – a la Pagan

• Create Sacred Space – this means that we want to keep negativity out, and make it a safe place where mourners can weep, wail, laugh and remember without fear. There are many ways to create sacred space, but the main reason is Love and Protection.
• Call in Deity/Ancestors/Spirits/Elementals – Much the same as the Christian traditions call in God, we call in what our personal beliefs, or the beliefs of the deceased, represent as loving energies. The ancestors could be familial, or location based, or could be all of those who have gone before us in Tradition or spiritual practices.
• Welcome and introduction.
• Speakers for the eulogies. It may only be one or two people, or it could be an entire circle of people taking their turns to speak – if this is the case, brevity is essential.
• Calling for blessings for the departed, as well as blessings for the loved ones and their community.
• Prayers or Readings (examples):

(a)

Like the wind, soar free through the heavens. Like a flame, warm the hearts of those who think of you. Like water, let your spirit flow ever onward, Like the earth, be steadfast awaiting rebirth. As the wheel turns, may you find as much joy in your next life as you gave in this life”

author: Jenna Tigerheart

(b)

This Heritage

They are not dead, Who leave us this great heritage Of remembered joy. They still live in our hearts, In the happiness we knew, In the dreams we shared. They still breathe, In the lingering fragrance windblown From their favourite flowers. They still smile, In the moonlight’s silver And laugh in the sunlight’s sparkling gold. They still speak, In the echoes of words We’ve heard them say again and again. They still move, In the rhythm of waving grasses, In the dance of the tossing branches. They are not dead; Their memory is warm in our hearts, Comfort in our sorrow. They are not apart from us but a part of us. For love is eternal and those we love Shall be with us throughout all eternity.

(Author Unknown)

 (c)

Do not weep for me (Adaptation)

I am the memory that dwells in the heart of those that knew me.

I am the shadow that dances on the edge of your vision.

I am the wild goose that flies south at Autumns call and I shall return at Summer rising.

I am the stag on the wild hills way.

I am just around the corner.

Therefore, the wise weep not. But rejoice at the transformation of my Being.

Do not weep for me for I have not gone.

I am the wind that shakes the mighty Oak.

I am the gentle rain that falls upon your face.

I am the spring flower that pushes through the dark earth.

I am the chuckling laughter of the mountain stream.

Do not weep for me for I have not gone.

(Author Unknown)

 

•  Quiet reflection Could be meditation, soft singing or chanting or dvd tributes.
• Committal and conclusion
• Feasting and community time

 

*******************

Most of the time, people will move from the sacred space area to another location for feasting and sharing of memories, exactly the same as most other funerals. This is when the Priestess or celebrant will do the cleanup of the area, collection of rubbish and anything else required to look after the family.

Can anybody do a Pagan Funeral?

It’s not really a question of ‘can’, it’s more a ‘should’. Can any do a Buddhist ceremony? Can anyone do a Christian ceremony? Ask this of many people, especially those of Christian or catholic spirituality, and the answer will be a resounding ‘No’. I would no more stand up and do a Christian ceremony than I would a Catholic ceremony. Why? Because of respect. Pagan beliefs are our spirituality. We practice, think, and speak our beliefs every day. In exactly the same way as other people express their own views. If we know someone is speaking words they don’t believe in their heart, the audience can tell, and the words fall flat.

Just because someone reads a book, doesn’t mean that they understand how to or why to set up a sacred space. They can’t call the elements without knowing why you are calling them, who they are, what term is correct when addressing them or which traditions use elementals or watchtowers.  It takes time, practice and a lot of experience to be able to learn about our spirituality, ‘Pagan-style’ has been a term I have seen used by people claiming to understand paganism, and yet they neither practice or respect us or our spirituality. It is simply a means of catching a niche market. Energetically, someone without understanding will not be able to give the proper service to a Pagan ceremony.

I don’t suggest that only a Priest or Celebrant run a funeral (or any other ritual). Usually there will be people in the know who can recommend well respected, experienced pagan people who can work with large crowds. They must be comfortable with taking a leadership role, holding space for those who are grieving, and flexible to change on a seconds notice.

People like myself; who were pagan first, became celebrants because we saw a need in the Australian Pagan Scene. Wonderful people like Cassandra Carter, Buddhi Eldridge and other dedicated people have been out there working hard to have handfastings and other pagan rites of passage available as a choice. What I am doing in promoting pagan funeral, and preparation for funerals, is simply an extension of their hard work. I know my limitations, and I know that saying words isn’t where the power lies, it’s in the belief of those words and what they mean. So when I have been asked to run a non pagan funeral, I stick to my ethics. Where there are words of Christianity, I will encourage people of that faith to say them, because that is where the power is. That is where the comfort will come from. I respect their beliefs, but also my own. And never once have I had a conflict in any ceremony I have performed. It’s not about the money, or about being well known. It’s about doing the best job I can for my clients, and for paganism in Australia.

Do not Weep for me – Pagan Funeral Poem

Do not weep for me for I have not gone.
I am the wind that shakes the mighty Oak.
I am the gentle rain that falls upon your face.
I am the spring flower that pushes through the dark earth.
I am the chuckling laughter of the mountain stream.
Do not weep for me for I have not gone.

I am the memory that dwells in the heart of those that knew me.
I am the shadow that dances on the edge of your vision.
I am the wild goose that flies south at Autumns call and I shall return at Summer rising.
I am the stag on the wild hills way.
I am just around the corner.

Therefore, the wise weep not.
But rejoice at the transformation of my Being.

(Author Unknown)

7 Stages of Grief…

This is a guide only, as I am not a qualified medical professional. However, it gives you a basic idea of the grief process. Remember that there is no set time limit for grieving, some will grieve quickly and some will take years. Neither is ‘better’ than the other, it is just that we are different. Please make sure you speak to family or friends, or a doctor if you feel you aren’t coping. Grief is a natural process, but we can’t live there forever.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may  deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock  provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last  for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain.  Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience  the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or  drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do  with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame  for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage  to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up  emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to  bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will  never drink again if you just bring him back”) 

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long  period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of  grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

 During this time, you finally realize the true  magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on  purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of  the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

 5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little  calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression”  begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find  yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your  loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and  reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in  this grief model, you learn to  accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not  necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have  experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed  before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

 

 

Tasks and decisions when organising a funeral

Personal Information

* Full legal name

* Residential address

* Date of Birth

* Place of Birth

* Date of Marriage

* Spouse’s full name

* Occupation

* Next of Kin

* Doctor’s name and address

 

People to Contact

* Immediate family, even estranged members should be considered

* Close friends

* Executor of Will

* Employer

* Solicitor

* Accountant

* Australian Tax Office

* Medicare

* Private Health Fund

* Electoral Office

* Banks and other financial institutions

* Clubs and other organisations

* Motor Vehicle Registry

* Veterans’ Affairs

* Social Security

* Superanuation Fund

* Home Care services – eg meals on wheels

Documents to Locate

* Will – May request special funeral arrangements

* Pre-paid Funeral Plan

* Birth Certificate

* Marriage Certificate

* Citizenship Papers

* Insurance Policies – home, contents & car

* Life Insurance

* Superanuation Papers

* Bank Documents

* Propety Deeds & Mortgage papers

* Home Loan Details

* Taxation Records

* Vehicle Ownership Papers

Personal Items of Interest (for funeral service)

* Schools attended

* University attended

* Family and work history

* Positions held and Service Record

* Accomplishments – Personal & Professional

* Hobbies & Special Interests

Specific Decisions

* Choose a Funeral Director

* Burial or Cremation

* Location of Service

* Date & Time of Service

* Do you wish to view the deceased

* Is jewellery to remain or be returned

* Special clothes for the deceased -if required

* Select scripture or literature for Service

* Will a friend give a eulogy

* Select hymns or music

* Floral arrangements

* Floral or donation to a charity tributes

* If required arrange location and food for after the Service

* Thank you cards for those who give floral or donation tributes

Who is to Participate

* Clergy or Celebrant

* Pallbearers

* Organist

* Family or Friend to give Eulogy

* Family or Friend to read Scripture or Literary Extract

Transport

* Hearse arranged by Funeral Director

* Hire Car to and from funeral – arranged by Funeral Director if needed

* Friend’s Car – economical and allows people to show their support

Some of the Costs

* Funeral Director’s Service Fee

* Doctor’s Certificates

* Transfer of the deceased

* Notices in Newpapers

* Casket

* Any special preparation requested

* Cemetery or Cremation Costs

* Transport

* Floral arrangements

* Clergy or Celebrant Fee

* Music

* Church or Chapel Cost

* Collection of Ashes

From  Funeral Information Australia http://www.funeral-info.com.au

How can you best help someone who is grieving?

Ten Things to remember, when offering of sympathy words of comfort

1. Look into the eyes of the bereaved and acknowledge their loss

2. Be a listening presence is often more helpful than trying to come up with things to say.

3. Extroverted people may need to tell the story of their loss over and over again—to help them believe it. So be willing to listen, repeatedly if necessary.

4. Introverted people may be too exhausted to talk. Sitting in silence is okay and may be the most helpful response.

5. Sharing one or two fond memories of the deceased may be the most helpful words of comfort in bereavement. However endless praise about how wonderful the deceased was can also cause pain as no one can know the intimacies of the relationship between individuals.

6. Saying “if you need anything, call me” or “call me anytime” may be something you really mean, but the bereaved will not have the energy to take you up on it. Make specific offers. “Can we take you and your son to the park on Saturday?”

7. When expressing sympathy, avoid trite comforts or theories about death, including religious or spiritual phrases.  Everyone’s concepts are different; and initially, it doesn’t help at all and can be hurtful or confusing. This also stifles (or potentiates) anger that is a critical part of the grieving process. Life hurts right now!

8. If you have gone through a very closely parallel experience, let the bereaved know that; but save your stories until they come to you to talk.

9. “How are you?” is too big a question.  “What do you need?” is even more impossible.  “How are you today?” conveys concern that is manageable.  It also allows for meeting the person where they are at that moment.

10. “How are you doing it?” “You are so brave;” “I don’t think I could do it,” all seem like strange comments; as if the bereaved volunteered for this assignment.  They don’t know how they are doing it and don’t feel very brave; the fact is that they had no choice in the matter.  A simple, “You are handling this well” or “You look good” is appreciated if it is true.